Context. In ‘Headhunted’, Jason Buckingham, one of the internal candidates for the Headteacher’s job is doing his best to impress the governors. His idea in this scene is to take a class to a local farm on a brief field trip. There are some ‘lively’ 12-year-olds in the group, Jack and Kyle, who have a talent for mischief. During the lunch-break they do a bit of exploring when Jason’s back is turned…
It wasn’t long before the two boys found a large shed out of sight of the main farmhouse. They pushed the door open and peered into the gloom. Kyle flicked on the flashlight app on his phone. As he shone it about, they could see they were in a corridor with a concrete floor and white tiled walls.
“Ooh spooky,” Jack said, as he illumined the scene with his torch, “and what’s that strange smell?”
“Cow shit,” Kyle replied, stepping into the corridor, “and… something else. Come on, let’s have a look around.”
Jack followed him as they crept down into the darkness, like Arne Saknussemm going down to battle dinosaurs in the earth’s core, but not as deep, and there were no dinosaurs. At the end, another door led into a much larger space. The boys used their phone torches to reveal the same wet concrete floor and white tiled walls. Jack stepped forward to shine a light into the darkest recesses of the space, leaving Kyle behind looking at steel railings and large, moveable hooks on a track in the ceiling.
“Do you know what…” Kyle began, but did not finish, as a scream ripped from Jack’s throat.
“Aargh!” he screeched as he dropped his phone and ran back to hug his friend.
“Fucking hell, Jack. I nearly pissed myself then.”
“Eyes, eyes, everywhere, watching me.”
“Let’s get out of here,” Jack cried, pushing Kyle backwards.
“Hang on. I wanna see the eyes!” Kyle asserted. As he leant against the wall, something pushed against his back. He turned around and shone his torch on it. It was a light switch, so he pressed it. As the fluorescents flickered into life, they lit up a grisly scene. At the end of the room, the carcasses of a few dozen bulls and pigs hung up from the ceiling. They were skinned, gutted, and their trotters and hooves had been removed. A large pile of animal heads poked out of a plastic skip nearby. “Urgh, it’s ‘orrible,’” Kyle commented, before adding, after a pause, “and it’s brilliant! Jack, take a photo of me next to that pig’s head.”
He handed his phone over and leant over the skip, grinning manically by the pig.
“Hurry up, it stinks worse than you!” he exclaimed, as Jack fiddled with the camera.
“Say… sausages,” Jack suggested.
“SAUSAGES!” Kyle repeated with both thumbs up. “Let’s have a look.”
It was a splendid photo, one for the album, and Jack wanted a picture too.
“Take one of me,” he demanded, handing over his phone and walking over to the skip of animal heads.
However, as Jack strolled over to choose his spot, Kyle had another idea. He noticed Jack was standing in a large, dark puddle. Not many boys can resist jumping in a puddle, and Kyle was not a member of that elite group. With a cry of ‘Jack’ to get his pal to turn around, he ran forward and leapt feet first into his target. His aim was true. He found the deepest point and was rewarded with a mighty splash. He soaked Jack from head to toe with bovine and porcine blood. For a few seconds, Jack was too shocked to speak. Eventually, he gave utterance to his feelings.
“I look FANTASTIC! Splash me again, then we’ll take a photo.”
Kyle obliged, and then wanted his own blood soaked, zombie apocalypse image, for his Facebook profile. The photos being taken, the boys did some more stamping in the puddle of joy until a distant shout stopped them.
“Kyle, Jack,” came a faltering call, “where are you? Are you in here? Mr Buckingham says we’re going soon. He’s looking for you.”
Macaila’s voice came from the corridor the boys had walked down earlier.
“Shhh,” Kyle whispered, “this’ll give her a laugh. Wait there.” Then he nipped over to the wall and turned off the lights. Next, he tiptoed back to the centre of the room to join Jack and waited. Meanwhile, Macaila made her way tentatively down the tunnel. She had found a light switch in the corridor, but was still nervous about what lay ahead, in the silence beyond her echoing footsteps. Finally, she reached the door and pushed it open. As light flooded into the space, Kyle and Jack ran forward, covered in blood, waving their arms, and adding a selection of their best, well-rehearsed zombie and monster sound effects.
Kyle had misjudged his girlfriend’s response; she did not laugh at all. In fact, she was more scared than Jack had been earlier. He had only nearly pissed himself.
Whilst all the characters are in the book are fictitious, people I met during my teaching career inspired them. Some incidents described are, sadly, real and, more sadly, I was the idiot involved...
John Poulton: Books 